But I’m here in my mould……
I have been thinking a lot about sharing and how far long I am in working to share what’s going on. Just to be clear, I don’t mean sharing details like plans for lunch (probably cheese with a side of pasta) or how I feel about the recent referendum result (not great but hopeful) but what’s going on inside my head. That’s the challenge.
I think that it is a mixture of fear and lack of trust. Truth be told, I think that it is incredibly brave to share your struggle and how it’s affecting you. Especially when it is related to mental health. But I still cannot quite shake off the idea that if I share what is really going on inside my head that my friends and family will see me differently. I take great pride in ordinarily being quite level headed and supportive but what if I tell everything and then I stop being “strong” and “tough” and the “reliable one” and I become the emotional wreck. What then?
Or what if I share everything with someone and they share it around like gossip in the playground (which I was a victim of and hated). There are no real ways of telling is there? The proof is in how much you think you can trust someone and whether they treat the other people around them with respect.
But my God, it’s exhausting. Growing up in England we are told that the stiff upper lip is something to be proud of. It is terribly rude and embarrassing to share too much. A good walk and a sharp word with yourself and you will be fine. Or at least, you’ll look fine. But that’s not enough. If there is one thing that I hold to myself, sometimes the one thing that is giving me any kind of hope, is that most people who are that way, even in films, are always incredibly lonely. And that is no way to live.
I am working on being truly honest and saying that I am not okay and not covering up in an attempt to make others feel better or to attempt to compartmentalise my mental health. Because it’s caught up with me now and I am paying for it.
I’m ready for the sweet part of the symphony now.
Keep talking and sharing everyone
Until the next time….
All the best,