Sorry for the late entry. To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to write about. I don’t want this blog to be a constant stream of negativity but I also don’t want to write dishonestly. So, I was walking around my home (it doesn’t take that long, I’m not rich) and then it hit me like a tonne of barbed wire wrapped bricks. I’m due back at work in less than two weeks. And I am terrified.
You see, it has taken me a while to realise that I haven’t really been taking care of myself. I have put 70% of myself into my work and split the remaining 30% between my mental health and my overall physical health. The outcome? I am drowning at work and I have had to take an extended leave of absence as well as attend a variety of mental health related appointments. I only came to the conclusion that this behaviour has messed me up a couple of weeks ago and I have only just about been able to figure out why.
It isn’t the fault of any one person. Pressure comes from everywhere. Pressure from my extended family to make the next steps in my life (buying a property, getting married), pressure from work to always be the very best, pressure from society to prove that despite my background, I am not feckless. Far from it. But the worst pressure, is the pressure that I put on myself. I have always focused on work, because I thought that would allow the other things to fall into place. If I do well at work; I will earn the money that I want for the life that I want to lead. I will be able to help people around me and prove that I am a good person. I won’t be an embarrassment. My health will be managed another time and well, my love life? Forget about it. Seriously, forget about it.
But, that’s just not right. Because I am so many things. I like spending time with my friends and family. I like to go to galleries and museums. I miss going for a run by the river and so many other things that I can’t even remember. Thirty percent just isn’t enough for that. So I am starting to work on it but I am so scared that I won’t be able to keep it up with work. I’m not quite sure what to do. I don’t have any answers.
What a way to make a livin’ eh?
Until the next time…
All the best,