It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
I’m sorry. I have had one hell of a ride since my last post.
If I remember correctly, I had written about shifting my priorities in life and putting myself first and working hard to define myself by more than my work.
Well. Now is the real test of that.
Because, Reader. I have been made redundant.
I didn’t see it coming, but from I have been told, you rarely do. I don’t want to go into too many details, except to say; it didn’t just happen to me, it happened very quickly and I am still not sure how I feel about it.
Part of me is ready to admit that I was deeply unhappy there, regardless of my ever declining mental health. The culture wasn’t a good fit for me (too laddish) and the work itself wasn’t satisfying. I felt that the pressure was too much and I was taking on too much and not being adequately rewarded. So am I gutted? No.
But! Like someone who is broken up with, when they had already decided to break the relationship off, I didn’t want them to have the “power”. I wanted to have decided on another role that was a good fit for me and then leave on my own accord. I also didn’t see this coming, at all and felt a bit ambushed when it took place. Never mind that Christmas is a difficult time for most people, no one wants to start the new year without a job.
However, I cannot claim to be completely gutted. I wasn’t happy there for the last five months, I had a strong feeling that the workplace, a *few* of the people there and just the overall industry wasn’t right for me. I had also, very quickly, started to falter in making my mental health a priority. I missed an appointment that I had scheduled for my first week back, I would feel lost and unhappy during the day and when I got home, no one knew if they could speak to me, because I looked and spoke as if I had the whole world on my shoulders.
I have voiced my view that my priorities are not right. I want a fulfilling and meaningful career, but I do not want it to define me. I don’t want to feel that my performance at work and how I am seen because of it, is something that I have to carry around all day, every day and use it as a view of myself. I want to develop my interests, I want to develop new relationships and Reader, I want to put my health first. No more skipping appointments and making my health and the required care, as small as it needs to be to suit everyone else. My work should be what I do, not who I am.
I am terrified. Because without that part of me, the pie chart seems unfinished. Who am I, when I am not working? How do I introduce myself? How do I develop my confidence and self-esteem? I don’t know. I really don’t.
Right now, I know that I am waking up and taking each day as it comes and working out what my life looks like and what I want to do with it. I want my pie chart to look different. I want to build my life around other things, more things.
Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I needed it though.
I will keep up with this blog and I hope that you will keep up with me?
Oh and Happy New Year!
All the best,