I don’t ever want to feel (like I did that day)

Hello you….

So, as of two weeks ago I am back in gainful employment. The job and the location ticks all of my boxes and the people are friendly.

But I have had my stumbles. I have had transport troubles, I haven’t gotten simple things right and I have had wardrobe troubles (an unintentional Marilyn Monroe moment). Why didn’t anyone tell me?!

I am still learning new things about myself and how depression affects areas of my life. Being late, for most people is annoying but for me it’s a major hassle. I get stressed out, nervous and angry at myself. I spend the rest of the day chastising myself and I worry that I have made an awful mistake. Teeny, tiny things are huge to me.

But I have good days. I like to get into work a bit early so that I can walk through the park on the way home, while it’s still light outside. My manager¬†points out smart or helpful things that I say and the pressure isn’t as unbearable as it was before. It’s expected for me to not understand everything. My moods are mostly okay.

I can understand how confusing this is to read. The last two paragraphs contradict each other, don’t they? But can you imagine having to live with that contradiction? Or even worse, having good days that go well enough for you to doubt that you ever even had a problem in the first place? That, I think, is what I hate the most about mental illness. It can creep up on you when you least expect it. When you feel so happy. Ruining days and hours and (recently) some bodily functions.

I hate being stuck in the middle. I really don’t want to go back. But sometimes I feel like I am being pulled back and I can’t stop it.

I’m not giving up though.

 

Have a great week.

All the best,

FTY

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